Feedback on systemic constellations
A DAILY RECIPE:
Take a day and cleanse it thoroughly of envy, hatred, disappointment, greed, stubbornness, selfishness, and indifference. Add three heaped tablespoons of optimism, a generous handful of faith, a spoonful of patience, a few grains of tolerance, and finally, a pinch of politeness and decency towards everyone — especially those who bring kindness! Pour LOVE over the entire mixture! Now that the dish is ready, decorate it with petals of kindness and attentiveness. Serve daily with a side dish of warm words and heartfelt smiles that warm the heart and soul.
I would like to share my impressions of the systemic family constellation method, which I experienced thanks to a brilliant specialist and wonderful person — Natalia Spokoinyi!
I hope my story will inspire those who are interested in the method but haven’t tried it yet, and will also be helpful to those who already have this experience.
For personal reasons, I will not go into the details of the constellations that Natalia did for me. Instead, I will try to focus especially on the results — as the most important part of this challenging work.
Fragment 2
Step One. The Beginning
My name is Katya, I’m 30 years old. I’m completely self-sufficient in terms of material things: I have a good job and living conditions, but for several years now, since my mother’s suicide, I’ve been suffering from depression. There are problems in my family (relationship issues with my father and paternal grandmother), and health problems (I had lung surgery due to tuberculosis, which developed from the stress after my mother’s death). There is nothing going on in my personal life: I’m stuck in a past relationship, still thinking that things might change, although there’s no real reason to believe that. I feel that without professional help, I’ll get completely stuck.
Step Two. Getting Acquainted
Even getting to know the basics of the constellation method was a wonderful discovery of simple and true things that at first caused confusion, and then brought inner joy and delight. You think: it’s all so clear, and in some way even simple—so why hadn’t I thought of this before?!
- The right to belong: all members of the family system have a right to belong. No one can be forgotten or excluded. Unborn children, forgotten relatives—they are all part of what the family lineage consists of, and you are just a small part of it, inheriting the habits, illnesses, and even the destinies of your ancestors.
- Clear hierarchy: those who came into the system earlier in time have priority over those who came later. We must always remain children to our parents.
- Balance of giving and taking: when one gives more, they become “higher” in the hierarchy—this creates imbalance, for example, in couples. The exception is the relationship between parents (who only give) and children (who only receive).
STEP THREE. “INTEGRATING” MYSELF WITH MYSELF
Before the SSRP
I often experienced a sense of inner discomfort. When my mind told me to go one way, but my heart turned in the opposite direction. And I became two completely different people. In Natalia’s language, which I was just beginning to learn – this was a problem of personal integrity.
After the SSRP
In the morning I opened my eyes and realised that I was “at home”. Not just physically, but also in my soul. Quiet, peaceful, comfortable. I went up to the mirror and smiled at myself. That’s how the day began. It was a weekend, and the traditional house cleaning turned into a scene from Enchanted: with songs and dancing with everything that came to hand – be it a mop, a rag, or my giant tomcat, who wasn’t too pleased about being constantly cuddled and kissed. Afterwards, I had a strong urge to go to the forest and enjoy the autumn and the rustling leaves under my feet. Luckily, my easygoing and always-up-for-anything female friend backed me up without hesitation!
Super day! Super Katya, I love you!
STEP FOUR. NEW RELATIONSHIPS IN THE FAMILY
Before the constellation
After my mother’s death, the relationships in the family were almost completely destroyed. No one said anything out loud, but there was a constant sense in the air that everyone blamed someone else. And no one wanted to make any step towards reconciliation… My father was constantly drinking, and I was constantly scolding him for it; we stopped talking about simple, everyday things. My grandmother (his mother) kept telling me off for treating my father badly, for not showing him compassion (“But he’s your father!”), for not offering help or support (“He’s having such a hard time!” – after those words, the only thing I wanted to reply was: “And I’ve got it easy, haven’t I? I must be the happiest person in the world!”). Emotional conflict became mixed with material issues: my grandmother got it into her head that since the flat where my father lives was re-registered in my name after my mother’s death (a decision made by the family council with the grandmother herself present – which she has “forgotten, because she’s already old”), I must be a terrible person, because I want to evict my alcoholic father and throw him out onto the street. And I had no desire to justify myself to her for something I hadn’t done and hadn’t even thought about – since I live in a different city and have my own flat.
In short, it was complete breakdown…
After the constellation
I tried to convey to my grandmother the ideas Natalia had taught me: about “giving and taking,” about “parents and children.” And she agreed! She “allowed” me to be small again — to be the child in relation to her and my father. She accepted that it’s her role to be a mother to her son, and that I don’t need to “nurture” him — and that the best thing I can do for them is to create my own family and continue our lineage. It’s now been a month and a half since we’ve had any arguments about my father. She has started to hear me!
Things are also better with my dad. When he’s sober, we share a lot of interests and have many pleasant and positive conversations. When he slips and drinks, we’ve agreed not to talk on the phone during those days. I often talk to him about everyday little things that I used to ask my friends — though who, if not your dad, can best explain how to change a lightbulb, whether it’s worth buying a new car battery for the winter, or if you need a fireproof blanket under the bonnet, and so on.
I hope that now he feels how much he is needed and how important he is to me!
Step Five. Getting to Know My Maternal Ancestors
Before the constellation
Everyone knows that illnesses can be inherited. But few people ever think that destinies can also be passed down. That you might be living not your own life, but someone else’s. That your actions may be driven by imitation of your ancestors — or as a response to their experiences. And some of the things you’ve done or decided can’t even be explained rationally, as if they weren’t really your own choices. Then you begin to blame yourself, unable to justify your actions. And you wander in a vicious circle.
The goal: to understand which of your ancestors you are copying, to thank them for the most important and valuable thing they gave you — the life they passed on. To bow before the burdens they carried in order to give you this life. To learn to feel their “presence” behind your back, because they are your powerful foundation, from which you can draw immense strength and protection — by right of being their descendant.
After the constellation
The facts that have come to light are so stirring that I keep turning them over in my mind for a long time.
Hello, my dear ancestors! I’m so happy to meet you, and I feel very, very small before you. The feeling is warm — a sense of “presence,” even though my mind knows that no one is physically around. I picture them all in my imagination, and some of them are even smiling at me! I feel that I’m no longer alone — there’s a whole invisible army behind me, ready to defend me if anyone tries to hurt me. I even stand up straighter now, especially when I carefully do my constellation homework, and I feel this whole army pushing me forward into a new life!
In a dream, I saw our session with Natalia. I don’t remember all the details, but here’s the essence: in front of me is a large stone wall. It represents all the negativity and burden that’s been holding me back in life. Natalia says: “Katya, now push it — push out everything you no longer need!” I start pushing with all my might. It’s incredibly hard, but the wall begins to move!!!
Step Six. These Funny Animals
Before the constellation
For about six months, my cat had been waking me up 4–5 times a night. Naturally, I hadn’t been sleeping properly and felt completely exhausted. And he wasn’t waking me up for anything (like food, water, or play) — he would just wake me up and then sit off to the side.
After the constellation
It’s a well-known fact that cats are drawn to negative energy. Natalia suggested that my cat was probably waking me at moments when something negative was happening in my dreams. But I rarely remember my dreams, so it was hard to test this theory. And then one day, I did remember a dream: I saw blood flowing, and I was watching the stream of blood, unable to take my eyes off it. Thank you, my dear cat, for protecting me! Now he wakes me up no more than once a night. We’ll keep monitoring the situation.
Step Seven. “Divorce” from Former Partners
Before the constellation
Things just wouldn’t work out for me in relationships with men! I had very different partners, and the relationships were long-term (from 2 to 7 years), but still — nothing worked out! I started to develop a kind of inferiority complex. Yet I really wanted to have a loving husband, children, to be a beloved wife and mother in a strong and happy family.
After the constellation
Unless you let go of past relationships, you won’t create space in your heart for something new. So — time to get going! Simple words of gratitude to each of them, silently in my mind — because each played a role in my destiny, and without that experience (both joyful and painful), I wouldn’t have become the person I am now.
Surprisingly, just a couple of days later, one of my “exes” called me. After a short, everyday conversation, he suddenly asked whether I remembered our relationship and what exactly I remembered. When I answered that I only remembered the best moments, he — almost repeating the exact words I had mentally addressed to him — suddenly began to pour out words of gratitude, saying that I had been an incredibly bright chapter in his life!
With the second one, we had a pleasant SMS exchange. With the third, we still occasionally talk online — always on a positive note.
And beyond that: suddenly many contacts with old friends started to emerge — they pop up as if out of nowhere, and I’ve received countless invitations!
And one more thing… A new man appeared on the horizon — we had a fascinating and intense online exchange (he’s not from my city), then he came to visit and invited me on a date. True, our meeting in real life didn’t go as I’d hoped, but that wasn’t a big disappointment for me. The most important thing is: something is shifting — and it’s moving in the right direction!
STEP EIGHT. CHALLENGES. MOTHER. THE NOOSE… (UNFINISHED SECTION, TO BE CONTINUED)
Before the constellation
During one of the webinars, Natalia led a meditation: I was supposed to imagine myself as a newborn baby, just separated from my mother right after birth — to feel how frightening and painful that was at first, and then how good it felt to reunite. Then I was to visualise my mother in front of me and take small steps toward her, each time thanking her for the life she had given me.
I did it wrong and, from the very beginning, placed my mother behind my back. At first I just shuddered — a pleasant reaction, as if I sensed her being there… Then, from over my left shoulder, I felt a strong cold — like an icy wind. I even got a bit scared, as some say that when the dead come into our world, it is often accompanied by a feeling of cold.
When we began walking toward our mothers, I sat with my head down and my eyes closed. I was recalling some old photos from my childhood. Then tears started flowing — not sobbing, but simply flowing… And then a noose appeared around my neck and began to tighten. The more I tried to step towards my mother, the tighter it became. Of course, I never reached her…
The scariest and hardest part for me was that I couldn’t stop — the noose kept tightening, and I couldn’t pull myself out of it, open my eyes, or return to reality. It felt like I wasn’t myself anymore — I was her. (My mother died by suicide — she hanged herself.)
Fear arose. And confusion. If it was really my mother, why would she want to frighten me like that? To show me her final moments in this life? And if it wasn’t her — then who, or what, was it?
I told Natalia about it, and we agreed to do a little bit of work to relieve the tension after the webinar. Unexpectedly, we ended up doing a short constellation.
After the constellation
Strangely enough, the constellation on the topic of my noose did not lead us along my mother’s line, but along my father’s. I found out something about my ancestors on his side — people I had never felt much emotional connection with. I only know my grandmother and grandfather, and I have never felt much affection for them — not in childhood, not now. It has always been more of a formal kinship.
The feeling I had after doing the homework connected with these ancestors was: this is not about me, it doesn’t touch me, it doesn’t feel close. I feel nothing, no dynamic at all — only emptiness behind my back. Strange…
Now there are two mothers standing before me. One is my beloved mummy, who always loved me, healed me from every illness, understood and supported me. The other — the one I associated with the noose before the constellation — is a mother I never knew. I never imagined she could be like that, and I simply cannot understand or forgive her…
Right after the constellation, when I was still surprised that it had gone in the direction of my father’s line, I told Natalia that, oddly enough, just a few days before, my father had found himself in a noose as well. After his drinking binges, he sometimes has episodes of mental disturbance — what he calls “the glitches came to visit me”. He might do something, or get ready to go somewhere, and then snap out of it and wonder why he did that and how he got there.
That day, he told me that he had felt my mother’s presence — but it made him feel incredibly hot (while I had felt cold). And “a glitch came”, and he wanted to hang himself… He even tied the noose, found where to fix the rope, put a stool in place — but something stopped him. He couldn’t explain what.
Here are some excerpts from Natalia’s email response to what I had shared:
“I understand how hard this is. But you need to realise that you’re resisting very strongly. And that resistance is loyalty. And for me, there is more than enough evidence to draw that conclusion. Just read this with your mind. With logic. Your emotions will rebel.
- Yesterday I followed the right path. The dynamic was on your father’s side. And the ‘miracle’ for me – that we ended up there (even though I was surprised myself that we went towards your father and was unsure in my head, although my body and intuition confirmed it was the right way, and the representative too) – was your story about your father and the noose. It seems that your mother and father are both replaying a very powerful dynamic from the past (something like a ‘Romeo and Juliet’ pattern). And they both had it in their family systems. In reality (on the surface), it was your father who tightened the noose around your mother, because what was in him, a certain ‘Part’ of him, couldn’t resist his feelings for another woman. That was stronger than him. And that was exactly what became your mother’s noose (perhaps only a part of her). Most likely that was the trigger. But the true cause lies deeper. And right now, it’s easier to enter the system through your father. When you send me to your mother, you’re blurring the trail. So that I won’t be able to get out – or only after a long time and with consequences.
- That noose used to sit deep within you and manifested itself unconsciously, for instance in the form of tuberculosis. That too is a kind of noose. Now, thanks to the powerful meditation, it has come to the surface. That means it can now be addressed directly, because the problem is no longer hidden. Be grateful for this. For all the hardship. These are signs. And that’s likely why you’re being protected from having children. For now. Until you resolve this. Be grateful for that too.”
“3. You carry a grievance against your mother. A huge one. And that’s understandable. But! Both the grievance and the ‘I can’t forgive her’ mean that, in relation to your mother, you are placing yourself above her – making yourself bigger. That breaks a commandment. And you have no right to ‘forgive’ your mother. At most, you may say: ‘I am sorry…’ Forgiveness comes from above. That violates the order. She has done nothing to atone for. It was her choice. She has the right. And it’s not for you to interfere. But you are interfering. And that brings the noose. And that makes sense in this context. What you’ve written – you are the one tightening the noose around her through your thoughts. Working with you is very difficult. And you know that. I never promised it would be without pain. And this is your task.
- The emptiness is there because you haven’t yet accepted your father’s lineage. It’s possible that your mother never fully accepted it either. That’s why your father turned to another woman and drank. It’s something internal. Not visible on the surface. A hidden part of a person. Right now, you are loyal to your mother. That makes working with your father difficult. I understand that. And that’s your decision. And I respect it. But in my professional duty, I must warn you. This is what I see from experience: If you don’t accept your father as he is, if you don’t allow him the right to make his own choices in life, the noose will tighten around you as well. And it is not me warning you. It is God. Earlier He warned you through illness. Now it is direct. I am ready for this hard work (this is about life and death – it’s very serious) to stand by your side. On your left. As a helper to look at something. No more and no less. If you want it.”
STEP EIGHT. DIFFICULTIES. MOTHER. THE NOOSE… (CONCLUSION)
Before the constellation
It’s hard. I want to run away, hide, disappear… from everyone… from myself…
The previous constellation felt like a huge stone of incomprehension…
The way forward is to keep working. Natalia’s words echo in my mind: “It seems that your mother and father are both reenacting a very powerful dynamic from the past (something like ‘Romeo and Juliet’). And both of them had this in their systems.”
We went into the mother’s line.
As in the rest of my story, I won’t describe the constellation in detail – only the conclusions. And they are as follows: unfortunately, a person most often ends up in a “noose” created by those closest to them. In this case, the saying is painfully true: only someone truly close can inflict truly deep pain.
And that pain echoes with a metallic tapping of thoughts in the silence of your own “self”, and you are no longer you – you run in circles, unable to see any doors.
And maybe that pain leaves scars on your body (as with me – the scar after surgery is now a memory).
And here, as everywhere, the most important thing is to forgive. Forgive everyone – and through that, forgive yourself.
After the constellation
(It may seem that everything was resolved quickly here, but in reality, the results came after a long and very difficult process – for both me and Natalia.)
You are all here with me!
Mother, father, the others.
I am your little girl, your continuation…
Like you, I have already gone through a lot – and all this hardship helps me grow.
And now I want to take off, to break free, to soar – towards new horizons.
The noose breaks… Now… And forever!
The new path I’ve been walking toward for so long turns out to be nothing other than a return to my former self… Or rather, no – a continuation of who I once was…
Here I’ll go into a little more detail – and not quite in unison with the rest of the text…
MANY YEARS AGO, I WAS NOTHING LIKE I HAD BEEN IN RECENT YEARS.
People used to call us “not of this world”, “non-conformists” and so on, even though I didn’t wear long robes or tangled hair…
I and the people around me at the time found beauty in a different sense of life’s meaning:
— songs (by artists almost no one had heard of),
— poetry (the kind that stirs your heart and leaves you in deep thought for days),
— prose (we would memorise it just to never let go of those beautiful thoughts of great minds),
— and music we played ourselves (however we could).
We were called “not of this world” because we didn’t fit into the mould of mainstream youth – with their interests, with their guitar-filled flat parties and their poetic moments in the smoking corner…
And then many of us – myself included – turned into “ordinary people”…
Just like everyone else.
To make the swimming easier, without resistance.
Books gathering dust on the shelves, the guitar stored away in the attic, music – now only in the car on the way to work, and only whatever’s playing on the radio.
And then – an explosion!
A New Year’s Eve party.
Maybe because I didn’t want to change anything in my life, in my “noose”, I resisted going for a long time.
Midnight strikes, I’m at home alone, sitting with a cup of tea and my cat by my side.
Staring into space.
And suddenly I realise – I HAVE to be THERE!
I don’t know why. I just have to.
00:10 – I race across the city, breaking every speed limit, under the roar of New Year’s fireworks…
I burst in – into that space – into the soul of that gathering – and… I feel at home.
Even though I only know the host of the party, an old friend and colleague who knows everything about my life:
“Hi, Katyks, I’m so glad you came! We’ve got the window open – want me to get you some wool socks and a blanket?”
And everyone is so kind to me, even though they don’t know me.
We sit right on the floor around a low table, playing board games (so great that they’ve made a comeback).
Sitting across from me is a young man I’ve never seen before.
Every now and then I catch him looking at me, and it makes me feel… at ease.
More people arrived, the space got more crowded, and by early morning we were sitting together in one big armchair. I’d already learnt a few things about him: he was born and raised here, but for the last seven years he’s been living abroad, now visiting his parents.
“I want to catch up with some old friends while I’m here. Fancy a drive around the city?” — he read my mind.
“With pleasure!” — I replied.
We practically didn’t part the entire New Year’s week. We ran away from everyone. Got the guitar down from the attic, found the books, unearthed scraps of memorised poems and prose. And night after night we talked, listened, read, sang…
“I’ve always gone against the current, and never once wanted to change course… You play and remember by heart the songs of [this-or-that artist], and I’ve only just discovered them — now I regret not doing it sooner… Why did you turn off the path? Why did you lose yourself?”
And there were so many of these conversations and reflections, which eventually led me to become once again who I used to be. Once again the not-like-everyone-else me, drawing life from music, poetry and prose.
And I feel so at peace.
This version of me — I truly love.
The holidays ended – he left. And I remained with a kilogram of thoughts, desires, plans and ideas. And with immense gratitude for everything that had happened to me over the past few months.
Every day, I write to him using the words of The Story of Sonechka by Tsvetaeva…
I’ll finish… with lines from one of my favourite songs:
“When you come back – everything will be different, and we’d need to get to know each other again.
When you come back – and I’m not your wife, not even your friend.
When you come back to me, the one who once loved you madly,
When you come back – you’ll see that the die was long cast, and not by us…”
Maybe you think these lines are for him?
No – they are for myself, the one I had been waiting for, for so long!
Epilogue. A New Prologue.
“And in the middle, you will feel light.” (Bert Hellinger)
Hi everyone! My name is Katya, I’m 33 years old. Right now it’s a cosy Sunday evening, October 2015. A candle is burning for my mum: it makes things warmer for her up THERE. She’s probably sitting on a cloud, her legs dangling, watching me and smiling as I sit here in my old fluffy dressing gown with a towel on my head, writing.
It’s been three years since I wrote my first story about my life and my work with the constellation method. So much has happened since then, and there’s no point in describing it all — it makes more sense to share what I’ve gained during this time.
The most important thing I’ve gained is… myself. I can feel joy again — quietly, without loud exclamations, but truly. I hum songs to myself (and sometimes even perform them for others), songs in which I recognise a part of myself. I read books, watch films, and have returned to the handicrafts I loved as a child (knitting, embroidery, sewing) — far more fulfilling than sitting in depression, feeling angry and staring at the ceiling.
The second thing I’ve regained is my health. A brief side note: in spring 2011, following a period of stress, I was diagnosed with tuberculosis of the bronchi in the upper lobe of my right lung, with damage to the lung itself. Chemotherapy began “blindly”: the pathogen couldn’t be isolated in the tests, so it was impossible to know which antibiotic would be effective. The crisis came six months later, in autumn 2011: infiltrative tuberculosis with two cavities and tissue breakdown (holes in the lung), a new and extremely difficult chemotherapy protocol. By mid-winter, the cavities had finally begun to scar, and surgery was possible — the removal of the damaged parts of the lung and bronchi (about 30% of the right lung), which took place at the end of winter 2012. After the surgery came six more months of chemotherapy and rehabilitation. It felt like I had to learn how to breathe all over again; even a slight increase in physical activity left me breathless, drenched in sweat. Worst of all was the thought stuck in my head that THIS could happen again. I was given three years to monitor my recovery — a “test period” during which I had to be regularly examined and take care not to overdo anything. Incidentally, singing helped a lot with my breathing recovery, so it turned out to be both enjoyable and beneficial. Now those three years have passed, my lungs feel fine, I’ve regained my normal weight and no longer look ill. My immune system is still a bit weak, but that can be fixed — if I have the will to do so. I’ve found doctors who help me turn that will into action. They say I’m meticulous, because I want to know in detail what’s going on in my body — but they still treat me with kindness and smiles.
THE THIRD THING I’VE GAINED IS RESTORED FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS — WITH MY FATHER AND MY GRANDMOTHERS. We talk on the phone often, and I visit them once or twice a year. There, I feel like an overfed cat: the grannies simply won’t let me leave without gaining at least 100 grams.
THE FOURTH THING I’VE GAINED IS MY FRIENDS, WHO CAME INTO MY LIFE AFTER MY RECOVERY. Our friendships are warm and honest, with no need for masks of politeness. In summer, we love going camping with tents, crawling through caves and then washing off the mud in cold mountain rivers, jumping in with a bar of soap still fully dressed. We go walking in the woods and sit around campfires in the evenings singing songs with a guitar — just like in the old films.
NOW I FEEL LIKE I’VE NEARLY REACHED THAT “MIDDLE” HELLINGER SPOKE OF: I’M AT PEACE WITH MYSELF. There’s no more need to run, tripping and scraping knees, because I’ve come to understand how much better it is to be a follower of the “art of small steps”: to preserve the joy of the present moment, look just a little into the future, move slowly towards your goals, without idealising or trying to grasp the whole world at once. Looking back no longer hurts — everything that came before has been understood, internalised, and accepted. There’s no need to try and please anyone anymore — people accept me for who I really am. I’ve even come to love the colour blue, though I used to be indifferent to it. That, too, is a sign of inner peace, isn’t it?
A few months ago, HE came into my life — absolutely out of the blue. When we recall our first meeting, we still can’t figure out who fell on whose head — me on his or he on mine 😊. I guess I was just ready, and waiting for HIM — my final “gain”, something I can only speak about in whispers, because it’s so precious. We quickly grew close, with full confidence in one another, and soon…
WE BECAME US, INSTEAD OF I AND I. ONE WHOLE.
TODAY, I FINISHED SEWING A DRESS. A WHITE ONE.
A SMALL ADDITION TO KATYA’S STORY FROM NATALIA SPOKOINYI
One year after her wedding, Katya gave birth to a child. Her son Ilja is now ten years old. They are all doing well – she just hasn’t had the time yet to finish writing her story.